Defensiveness
We all know the signs: the crossed arms, the blame shifting, the excuses, conversation stifled or burnt to ash… These signs sound so familiar because we’ve been on both the giving and the receiving ends of defensiveness. It’s high time we learned to deal with it.
1. What and Why Is Defensiveness?
Defensiveness is a reaction to a threat. It stems from a basic evolutionary mechanism - fight-or-flight response - and usually manifests in two extremes: aggression or withdrawal. When we feel attacked, our survival instinct kicks in, taking over our minds’ control panel, sidestepping our rational brains, and making decisions on how to act, what to say, and what to feel. In real danger, this reaction speed is extremely helpful - we are protecting our whole existence. But in a verbal conflict, what is it that we’re trying so hard to protect?
Simply put, we protect anything that matters to us: our interests, choices, beliefs, values, and especially identity. Since our identity is our core, an attack on it is instinctually interpreted as life-threatening. Internally, it feels like the stakes are as high as they can be, even when the threat is a difference of opinion or a simple miscommunication. The threat becomes the only thing that matters, making it impossible for us to not be self-centered or to put ourselves in others’ shoes. We start seeing patterns where there’re none, looking for evidence to support the threat’s existence, and ignoring evidence to the contrary.
Important caveat: whether the threat is real or not is irrelevant. What matters is how the threat is perceived. In the realm of conflict, it’s not about content - it’s always about intent. Is this person trying to undermine me? Are they trying to mislead me? Do they want to harm me?
Psychologically, defensiveness can be rooted in all kinds of fears, but the breakdown, although fascinating, is not particularly helpful when you’re in conflict right now. Suddenly, you can’t remember any of the intricacies of psychoanalysis that seemed so helpful on paper. You need something that’s ready for immediate recall in a stressful situation.
“Beyond Reason” by Fisher and Shapiro provides a useful framework for understanding the psychological reasons behind defensiveness. They recognized that pinpointing a particular emotion behind a defensive reaction is very hard to do under pressure: it’s either imprecise or takes way too much time and effort. Instead, they prefer to look for 5 core concerns, each representing a fundamental human need:
Appreciation.
People want to feel valued and understood. If they feel unappreciated and dismissed, when their efforts are ignored, they may defend their self-worth or seek validation to prove their value. “Why bother sharing ideas if nobody listens to me?”
Affiliation
People want to belong. If they feel rejected or excluded, they may use defensiveness to protect themselves from feeling isolated or to reclaim their value as a group member. “First you say you don’t need me at the meeting and now you’re trying to get me to help?”
Autonomy
People want control over their life choices. When they feel controlled, micromanaged, misled, or coerced, they will act defensively to reassert control. “What made you think I wanted to hear your opinion?”
Role
People want fulfilment and purpose. If they feel irrelevant or their role feels unfulfilling, they may blame everyone and everything around them. “It’s not my fault! I just didn’t have the resources.”
Status
People want respect. When they feel undermined or treated as inferior, they will protect their credibility and place in hierarchy. “If you just listened to me in the first place, this wouldn't have happened.”
The main takeaway: fundamentally, a person in a defensive mindset feels unsafe. So, while you think about how to deal with this, here’s a good reminder - they aren’t being ‘difficult’, they are a person in a difficult situation.
2. What to Do If They’re Defensive?
Imagine you’re a project manager and the development team just missed a big deadline that affected the entire pipeline. You’re jumping on a call with Jordan, the team lead, to find out what happened:
Jordan exhibits the classic signs of defensiveness: he’s deflecting, throwing around accusations and excuses, and even resorts to counterattack. This is alarming. But you remind yourself that your goal is to get to the bottom of what happened and focus on learning from your mistakes rather than on finger pointing. To do that, you need Jordan’s input.
Problem is, he can’t problem-solve in the ‘survive by all means’ state. While his reaction is out of your control, there are steps you can take to help him feel safer.
Let’s break down how to diffuse Jordan’s defensiveness, step by step:
PREP
Notice defensiveness. You can’t brush it off, because the underlying problem doesn’t disappear - it builds up until it reaches the critical point and all hell breaks loose. Now that it’s already here, the only way out is through.
Context matters. Look around and observe. Is Jordan alone or with his team? Are there distractions? Is the overall company culture more about working together or about using other people as stepping stones? Are there other external factors that may affect the conversation? In some cases, it’s more productive to reschedule or rethink the topic of conversation.
Which of 5 core concerns could have been triggered? Usually more than one is applicable. Make a list - which are more important? Seems like we’ve got full house from this interaction:
he may feel unappreciated as his efforts and accomplishments are ignored but mistakes are noticed immediately (appreciation)
he may feel like he’s doing a lot for the company, while getting nothing in return (affiliation)
he may feel like you’re stepping on his toes by telling him what he should and shouldn’t do (autonomy)
as a team lead, he wants to protect his credibility and reputation (status)
he’s responsible for a whole team, so he may feel like he needs to protect their interests too; he might also be terrified about losing his job (role)
ACTION
Stop talking about missed deadline. Start talking about your intent. Remember - defensiveness is always about intent. Right now, trying to reason with him would be akin to trying to persuade a toddler to stop an epic meltdown - their brain simply can’t handle reasonableness.
Instead of shutting him down (as he expects), show him you understand and care about his concerns. Jordan feels like you’re out to get him, so your goal is to act as inconsistently with this perception as possible. In other words - surprise him. It works because surprise snaps our rational brain from dormancy and forces it to get involved. Think about it: going to your local grocery store is an automatic task, you don’t need to think hard about it - everything is familiar. But imagine if you saw your regular Target fully repainted green - definitely not what you expected. I bet you’d suddenly feel alert and curious.
Specific tactics to diffuse defensiveness:
Making your intent explicit is usually the first step. You already did that, but the only result was more defensiveness. Now what?
Use contrast between what he thinks you want and what you really want: “I’m not pointing fingers or assigning blame, I’m trying to understand what parts of the process lagged.” [Pause to let it sink it]
Make Jordan’s concerns explicit. To show him you understand where he’s coming from, validate his emotions and reframe his original message, but without defensiveness. Remember, you don’t need to agree with him to understand him. “Sounds like you have a lot on your plate. There’s been a lot of pressure to finalize the project.”
Apologize if you feel that as a project manager you could’ve done something better, and your feeling is sincere. Note that apologizing simply to put them more at ease, when you think you did nothing wrong, is manipulative and people unconsciously pick up on it. In short: if you’re not sorry, don’t apologize. But if you are, it’s a powerful way to rebuild connection. “I feel responsibility for not designing a smoother communication process for you. I’m sorry. Could you explain what exactly went wrong so we can make sure this doesn’t happen again?”
End on a positive. After you’ve processed the past, take a glimpse at the future. This is also a good time to remind him of a common goal. “I know it’s as important to you as it is to me to finish this project, otherwise you wouldn’t have put in so much effort. What do you think you need for the process to run more smoothly?”
Bonus Tip: if you’re about to share tough feedback, set expectations first: “I’m about to say something you’re not gonna like. I’m saying it because I have high expectations of you and I’m confident you can reach them.” DON’T SAY: “Just don’t get upset” - it makes things worse.
Now, with that in mind, let’s see how the rest of the conversation could go…
Did you notice how tension dissipates as you surprise him by staying calm and actually listening? Now you can finally talk.
3. What to Do If I’m Defensive?
Staking your success in conflict on never getting defensive is an exercise in futility. You will slip up, it’s pretty much guaranteed - we’re only human. What matters is how you prepare for it and the amount of effort you’re willing to invest. Like any skill, the more you practice, the more natural it becomes, until it feels almost effortless.
The key to diffusing defensiveness within yourself is having a plan. Let’s see if Jordan could’ve handled the situation better if he had one.
Self-diagnose. Look at yourself from an outside perspective, like a doctor would at a patient. What are your symptoms? What could be causing them? What treatments are available? Here’re symptoms Jordan might notice:
his throat is dry and hands are sweaty
in anticipation of a tough talk, he practices stories about why he’s right and others are wrong
he doesn’t like to say things directly, but he uses passive aggressive remarks, hoping the other person will pick up on his frustration
when he feels attacked, he attacks back
negative feedback about his professional credibility and leadership skills throws him into a spiral
when people he’s responsible for are affected, he doubles down on excuses
if he doesn’t feel heard, he leaves the conversation without trying to convey his message differently
Identify causes of your defensiveness. Start with 5 core concerns, but don’t stop there - go deeper. With the benefit of inside information, the more specifically you can pinpoint the reason, the better you can manage it. Jordan, for example, may notice that his biggest issue is the need for external validation of his value as a professional. While other things may affect him, he can usually manage his response and only reacts aggressively when it’s coupled with him feeling unappreciated.
Come up with a placeholder response while you get yourself together to save mental energy in the moment. Defensiveness makes your logic and memory suffer, making your out-loud responses even more difficult to control, especially since you already have to spend energy on self-diagnosis. To give yourself some extra time, make it an open-ended question. Here’re some examples:
“Let me think about that”
“I want to address this properly, can you share more details?”
“What led you to think that?”
“What did it look like from your point of view?”
“What’s the most important part of this for you? I want to start there first.”
“This is a bit overwhelming. Before I respond, can we take a break first?”
“Honestly, this caught me off guard. Give me a moment please.”
“My brain just went into overdrive, let me catch up.”
“I don’t have a good answer right now, can we brainstorm?”
[10 seconds of silence]
This is what Jordan should’ve said instead of turning against you. It would’ve given him time to take a breath, realize he’s not being chased by a bear, and continue the conversation keeping in mind that he might have to continuously check himself by asking: “Is this an attack on me, or is this about understanding the situation?”
Thing is - as long as you’re safe in a conversation - you can discuss any uncomfortable topic. It can be negative feedback, awkward request, or bad news - doesn’t matter. You can share anything when you’re safe, because you know that the person delivering the uncomfortable message isn’t out to get you.
Defensiveness: Pocket Version
To sum up, here’s what defensiveness is and isn’t, and what to do about it:
(Save now so you don’t lose it)
It’s not all bad. Defensiveness works when it functions as intended - as a protective mechanism when you are, in fact, being misled, manipulated, controlled, or undermined and need to react fast. Still, there’re better ways to respond that are both protective and don’t turn off your rationality, which I’ll talk more about in one of my next substacks. Subscribe to be the first to know.
