The art of shutting up
Have you ever been in a conversation where no matter how hard you try to explain yourself, you seem to only dig yourself deeper? Or where people talk over each other, circling around the same issue and not making any progress? It happens all the time.
But what if the most impactful thing you can say is … nothing at all?
Silence and listening are the simplest yet most difficult skills in conflict resolution. At first glance, it seems easy: after all, how hard can it be to just do nothing? But this is a different kind of inaction - it’s not just a passive act, but a deliberate and effortful one. And it can be a game changer.
1. Why we talk too much in conflict
When we’re in conflict, our mouths seem to have a mind of their own. Here’s why:
Need to be understood
we repeat ourselves, over-explain our reasons, over-clarify our intentions and over-justify our actions when we feel the other person doesn’t understand where we’re coming from
“I will keep trying to explain what I mean until you reply to my point instead of advancing yours”
To process emotions
we vent when emotions run high as a way to process them
“I’m so angry I can’t hold it in”
Desire to fix it quickly
we get so focused on making the conflict go away immediately, we end up taking over the discussion and shutting down others
“There’s a problem that needs solving asap, no distractions are allowed”
Fear of silence
silence is uncomfortable, so we feel a strong urge to fill that empty space
“It’s too quiet. Quick, say something, anything!”
Defensiveness (see my previous post)
some of us instinctively resort to fighting when we feel threatened or criticized
“I feel like you’re attacking me, so I’ll attack back”
Personal or cultural factor
some people and cultures process their thoughts by saying them out loud
“I’ll say everything that’s on my mind”
But do more words equal better communication?
Think about the last time you were in an argument where both sides were talking past each other. All those words didn’t help anyone get closer to what they wanted - they made things worse. Without listening, dialogue dies out and gets replaced by concurrent monologues. Here’s on how to shut up and listen.
2. When to shut up
Silence has a bad rep, completely undeserved. It doesn’t mean you’re disengaged, it means you’re paying attention. It’s not “I have nothing to say” - it’s “I’m thinking”.
If used strategically, silence can become your favorite tool. Here’s when to use it:
To give people space to express themselves. Listening doesn’t exist without silence: silence creates space and listening fills it with meaning. Fight the urge to insert your point of view.
To give people space for reflection. Allow people uninterrupted time to think. Hold a long pause before responding to an insensitive remark so they can look at their comment from an outside perspective. Pause before responding to something you strongly disagree with to avoid saying something you’ll regret. Pause after you’ve said something important to let the message sink in.
To trigger disclosure. Since silence is uncomfortable, it makes people want to fill the void with words. Let them.
To control the speed and temperature of discussion. Use silence to slow things down and cool off. When crucial details of conflict are ignored for the sake of expediency, pause after asking an explorative question. If you feel emotions escalate out of control, take a breather - a moment of awkward silence is nothing compared to the damage full-blown escalation could cause.
3. Listen like your life depends on it
Silence is only part of the equation. Second part is what you do during this silence: are you planning your rebuttal or focusing on understanding what’s being said (and not said)?
Hold your horses.
Listening is about letting new information in, but many people struggle with it. You will hear things you disagree with, you will feel hurt and frustrated, you will catch inconsistencies, you will feel like you need to interrupt and interject. It’s very hard to hold all of this and still save space for the meaning behind the other person’s words. When it becomes unbearable, remember 2 things:
it’s more important to understand what’s going on than to express your frustrations right now
‘one angry person at a time’ rule: you will have an opportunity to share your concerns, it just can’t be done simultaneously while the other person shares theirs
Focus entirely on the other person.
What are they saying? Why? What’s the emotion behind it? What’s the bigger picture? What’s important for them?
Encourage them to speak. Here’s how:
expressly invite them to share: “I really wanna hear your thoughts”
ask better questions: yes/no questions are a good grounding technique, but if you want depth - go for open-ended questions
show them you’re paying attention: eye contact, nods, I-see’s, etc.
if they pause, it’s not a sign to jump in: nod or say “Go on” and keep listening
as a last resort, take a guess at what they might be thinking and let them correct or elaborate
Show them you understand.
This part is crucial. You can’t read their mind and they can’t read yours. Just like you might not know what was going on in their head before you listened, they don’t know what’s in your head after they’ve finished speaking. Tell them what you understood and let them correct you. Take these 3 steps to show you understand:
Step 1: summarize what they said in your own words (“So, it sounds like…”).
Step 2: invite them to correct you (“Did I get that right?”)
Step 3: filter out assumptions and ambiguities (“I’m not sure what you meant here, can you explain?”)
Repeat until they say “That’s right!”
Only then you can share your own story.
4. How to balance silence and speaking up
“Shut up and listen” is not an answer to all your questions. Actually, being too quiet is just as unproductive as talking all the time. Silence and speaking work in tandem. Here are some questions you can ask yourself to figure out when to use each:
Will what I’m about to say bring me closer to my goal? Or is it an instinctual reaction I may regret?
Am I trying to protect my interests, clarify a misunderstanding, offer a solution, or support someone? Or am I just trying to take control or fill the space?
Have I clearly and directly communicated my concerns? Or am I waiting for the other person to read my mind?
Am I being quiet so other people can speak? Or am I being hesitant because I’m scared about the consequences of speaking my mind?
Does the other person need me to listen? Or are they speaking non-stop out of habit and nervousness?
Whether you decide to speak up or keep quiet, it must be intentional.
5. Troubleshooting
Like I promised you in the beginning, silence and listening are simple, but not easy. Silence is awkward, listening is exhausting, and both can be used against you. Here’re some common challenges and how to handle them:
What if me being quiet is perceived as weakness?
Some people see your silence or willingness to listen as a sign you’re unsure, passive, not smart enough, not strong enough, etc. It’s especially hard when power imbalance is in play. So how do you convey the opposite message? Communicate strength and confidence with non-verbal cues: stay calm, maintain appropriate eye contact, keep your posture, don’t raise your voice. Show that you silence is a choice, not a concession.
What if they keep interrupting?
Some people, especially in heated conversations, try to take control by interrupting and talking over others. It can usually be avoided by establishing ground rules early in the discussion. To redirect an out of place interruption, say: “I really want to hear your thoughts on this, but I’d like to finish my thought first.” If it still keeps happening, figure out why they feel such an urge to speak (see Part 1) and address the underlying reason. For example, dealing with ‘the fixer’ comes down to establishing a common goal (= fix the problem) and showing value of others’ viewpoints in finding the best solution asap.
What if I have to interrupt?
Interrupting should be a last resort, but there’re times it’s necessary. For instance, there are times when you have to call out harmful behaviors or there’s a time constraint. Always acknowledge what you’re doing first: “Sorry for interrupting” or “Can I quickly jump in here?” Frame your interruption as a way to improve the flow of the discussion, not as an abrupt personal attack: “I want to make sure we’re both getting the chance to share our thoughts.”
What if they’re emotional and won’t stop talking?
Emotional rant that feels like it’s overflowing is what we call venting. It’s a bit tricky, but here’s how you deal with it: let them blow off steam for a bit. But at some point, venting starts to do more harm than good: their emotions escalate even more, and the more they speak, the more they get stuck in the past, instead of focusing on “what now?”.
In this case, DO NOT tell them to calm down. Your goal is to get to the bottom of why they feel unheard, so make it explicit: “You probably feel frustrated that I haven’t listened to you up until now”. Usually, simply acknowledging their emotions brings down the temperature of the discussion, and when they get stuck in the past again, gently redirect them to the future: “What would you like to happen next time?”
Why would I listen to them if they won’t listen to me?
It’s totally fair to decide not to engage with anyone who’s not willing or able to listen to you. You can always walk away. But here’s why listening anyway is still a good idea:
listening puts you in control of the tone of the conversation: if you model a respectful dialogue, maybe they’ll join.
listening is insightful: you’ll find out more about what they need, what they want, what their perspective is, what they’re worried or excited about. The more you understand them, the easier it will be to craft a solution that addresses all interests - both your and theirs.
listening creates space for reciprocity: people tend to listen to those who listen to them.
When you’ve tried everything, but they still seem disengaged, you might say: “I’ve listened to you, but I don’t feel you’re willing to do the same. If this is gonna work, we both need to engage.”
If they refuse, and the conversation doesn’t seem worth continuing, you can walk away knowing you tried. However, if you want to know that you not only tried but tried everything - hire a mediator to help build a better process.
What if they’re using silence as a way to punish me?
Since silence is a strategic tool, it can be used in bad faith and for the wrong reasons, for example, to avoid a difficult conversation or gain an unfair advantage. Often, people’s passive aggressive tactics can be diffused by removing the “passive” part - just address it directly: “I noticed you become silent when I talk about [this], what’s on your mind?” If no amount of encouragement works, and for every step toward them you take, they take two steps back, or when they’re obviously and intentionally manipulative, simply disengage.
What if they consistently misunderstand what I say?
It could be intentional or instinctual. In any case, the best way to deal with it is to calmly and directly call it out: “I get the sense we’re interpreting things differently. For the next 3 minutes, can you set aside everything else and only focus on understanding it from my perspective?” If you’re convinced of their bad intent, leave the conversation.
What if I understand where they’re coming from but I completely disagree with them?
When you hear something you disagree with, it feels like you have to choose between understanding and honesty. Even though you might fully get what they’re saying, it feels somehow dishonest to acknowledge that. So what do you do when they say something that goes against everything you believe in or is simply wrong? You can see merit in their point, and still be fully opposed to it, and the only thing you need to do is to temporarily separate the two. Make them feel heard first, and it will open the door to discussing even the most contentious disagreements.
Next time you’re in conflict, don’t aim to win - aim to listen. Let the quiet do the heavy lifting. That’s where real power is.
