My dream as a mediator is to make my job obsolete.
Step one: tell the world how to get through conflicts.
Step two: keep talking about it once a week (follow me on X for more frequent, but less refined tips).
Step three: retire as a mediator and watch the world use conflict to propel forward, not as a self-destruct button.
1. Conflict is inescapable
Conflict is neither good, nor bad. It just exists. And it’s everywhere:
it’s in the awkward smile of a person who just added another task to his mountain of papers after being called an MVP;
it’s in the only ‘nay’ at a jury vote;
it’s in all the places with 3/5 reviews with complaints about customer service and wait times;
it’s in every kitchen and every conference room when a controversial subject is introduced;
even when the subject is not controversial, it’s in the heads of those who perceive an innocent remark as a personal insult;
it’s in all relationships, both professional and personal, no matter how long or successful.
We are surrounded by conflict.
2. Conflict is everywhere, but we have no skills to handle it
Being surrounded by conflict doesn’t mean being used to it, or even knowing what to do about it.
So, unsurprisingly, the ‘MVP’ never tells his manager he’s struggling, quits out of the blue and burns all bridges with the team.
The dissenting juror voted ‘against’ out of spite for the person who had ‘stolen’ his chairmanship. He gets increasingly angrier when the others try to pressure him into changing his vote, and keeps insisting on his position. The judge declares a mistrial.
Some of the countless cafes, movie theatres, shops, hotels, and doctor’s offices take the hint and try to improve to attract more customers. Many shift blame to a specific employee, or to the customers themselves, and never address the underlying problem.
So many opportunities were missed, so much money and time wasted, so many relationships ruined because people were never taught how to have tough conversations.
3. How a mediator can help
Could those situations have been handled better? Undoubtedly.
People in conflict get stuck in familiar but unhealthy communication patterns, like assigning blame to others when confronted with personal responsibility, which ends up escalating the problem even more. Mediator helps them get unstuck and guides them to a solution.
Mediator is a neutral third party - they don’t have a stake in the outcome.
Their’s playing field is the process of discussion itself.
The mediator’s job is to:
design the process in a way that focuses people’s attention on resolution;
keep people on track;
filter out judgements;
check for assumptions;
translate communications;
coach on emotionally intelligent responses, bargaining tactics, and collaboration.
4. Conflict resolution is a skill
Many people avoid conflict like the plague. Even those who take the challenge head on see it as a nuisance.
Yet, handling disagreement is one of those meta-skills that will help no matter where life takes you. It can make you a better friend, a better partner, a better team member, and a better leader. And the best part - it’s a set of easy to understand tools that you can start implementing immediately.
A good place would be to start by reframing the idea of conflict - it’s not war that must produce winners and losers, but an indicator of an important or contentious issue. Wouldn’t you be curious to get to the bottom of it?
