Understanding Conflict
Conflict is a clash of [people, ideas, roles, interests…], it’s a state of opposition or disagreement. It’s a universally human experience.
But why does it emerge? How does it affect us? And what to do about it?
1. The Why
Conflict exists not in objective reality, but in people’s heads. There’re as many reasons for conflict as there are people, but here’s some notable trends:
Opposing Positions - views diverge, values clash, desired outcomes seem mutually exclusive.
Miscommunication - people don’t talk, don’t listen, and don’t understand each other.
Perception - people are living through the same events but interpreting them differently.
Emotions - when emotional intensity is high, we lose our ability to think straight.
2. The How
2.1. The Negative
People associate conflict with The Negative for a good reason: it brings out the worst in us. See if any of these experiences resonate with you.
1 - Relationships
conversations become tense and draining
you never acknowledge conflict and avoid interacting with the other person
you watch each other from afar and try to fill in the gaps of the story, replacing dialogue with assumptions
you label them as a ‘villain’, and yourself as a ‘victim’
the goal of punishing them becomes more important than what you originally wanted
cooperation and collaboration seem impossible
you feel like people around you are ‘taking sides’
identity and allegiance issues become sharper, pinning groups against each other, which can sometimes last for generations
2 - Emotional Effects
you deal with stress by turning on yourself: feeling guilt, embarrassment, shame, fear, insecurity
… or by turning on others: you accuse and blame, feeling frustrated, angry, victimized, and chronically misunderstood
you are in a brain freeze state
3 - Behavior
you get aggressive and lash out
you get stuck in ineffective patterns of behavior
you hyper-focus on memories that support your position and distort those that don’t
you justify your own mistakes as reasonable response under the circumstances, and attribute their mistakes to them being an overall terrible human being
4 - Outcomes and Growth
stress starts to manifest physically: headaches, high blood pressure, insomnia, gut issues, or any other stress-related health concerns
mental exhaustion leads to burnout, difficulty taking in new information and thinking creatively
the longer the conflict, the more distorted your story, the more invested you become in your version of the story
Sound familiar? It doesn’t have to be like that.
2.2. The Positive
Even though most associate it with The Negative, conflict can also be extremely productive. And it can be done on just one condition - a change in perspective. If we stop being threatened by conflict and start using it as a tool, with intention and strategy behind your words and actions, interesting things happen.
1 - Relationships
conflict becomes part of healthy relationship dynamic as a tool for deeper connection
you feel safe to bring up any concern
you choose dialogue over debate
throughout discussion, you move as a team towards a common goal, even when things get heated
the vibe shifts from ‘you vs. them’ to ‘us vs. the problem’
you engage people around you to support you through tough parts
coming out on a successful end of a challenging experience strengthens bonds and deepens trust
2 - Emotional Effects
conflict can reveal how you act under pressure and show areas for improvement
your confidence increases as you learn to stand up for yourself and others without being a jerk
learning to handle conflict boosts your emotional resilience
3 - Behavior
you develop skills you can apply in all aspects of your life: from deciding whose turn it is to cook dinner to closing multi-million dollar deals
having the skills to operate in an opinion-diverse environment, you are able to come up with increasingly creative and workable solutions
you start enjoying the process: thinking deeply about an issue, investigating, strategizing, collaborating on something important
4 - Outcomes and Growth
conflict can indicate a flaw in a larger system and allows to challenge the infamous ‘that’s how we’ve always done it’ fallacy
coming up with an innovative solution to a high-stakes issue feels like an act of pure creation
you start taking accountability and pride in your work and become the go-to problem solver
3. The What
Whether we like it or not, conflict is unavoidable. So we can pretend it doesn’t exist, be angry that it does, or embrace the discomfort of hashing things out.
The only way out is through.
